And Craig David said: "Let There Be Light!"

..."and there was light!"

As an excert from the book of David, chapter 3, verse 8 tells us...

"And just as thine So Solideth Crew hath only 21 seconds to go. I too have set thyself a limited time to create life. But I must chill on the seventh day as I have been making love for four days straight."

Perms encourage racism. Fact!

Here's proof.

Kids, don't get a perm... according to this it makes you look like a "black boy"

My dreams confuse me

For some reason in my dream last night I checked this page. The latest post was a video very similar to this one. Just an image with an audio track of a Smiths song.

So... i thought I'd post it.

I really don't know why i was dreaming of The Smiths.

The Rise and Fall of Spit Dancing

Dancing has graced our planet for many years. From the first day man discovered fire, our kind have been busting out 'the robot' to primitive beat-boxing. Before then, we were purely moonwalking in the dark.




But now, we move into the darker side of contemporary 'dance', the dark shadowey concept of 'spit dancing'. The inconspicuous 'trend' first arose during the mid 80's, with confused disco fans experiencing the hard, fashionable drugs of the decade. These hard party-goers would mix cocaine with the likes of duckzade and hero-japot - these drugs closely linked with recent climate change, and Al-Qaeda








Above we can see an average 'spitter'. In an act called 'preparing', the dancer gets 'into the zone', 'huffle-ing' a batch of your finest 'treacle', opening their mouth, and bending to the floor. These are the initiation rites, if you will, to the dance. From this position, the treacle mixes with the users salivapods, sending buckets of spittle to the ground.

The dancer now has his, OR HER dance floor.

The Dance can now begin. With the user 'letting the spit take over', shapes are created around the the spit. However, one may never touch the spit. Just look at what happened to this unlucky - as the 'hardcoreys' say - 'toucher'.

BASTARDS.

Today we celebrate...

Mick Foley's (aka Mankind/Dude Love & Cactus Jack) birthday.

Probably one of the most entertaining wrestlers ever.

So Mick... we got you a piñata.

Happy Birthday!

Learn to Scat sing with Sesame Street

If you ever feel the need to take up scat singing I recommened starting of by watching this.

Does anyone else remember...

Bonkers!

One of my childhood favourites.

I miss decent cartoons. Kids TV these days is terrible. Best thing they've done lately was make a new X-Men animated series.

I can't believe this exists

I bet you're wondering... "it can't be him. Can it?"

Oh yes! It sure is the best/worst TV chef to grace our screens. Mr Ainsley Harriot himself.

Keith: An instant classic..a 'seminal' if you will. However, the video introduces a phenomenon that has baffled established, sibling-bioscientins for years...Twins of different race. The Ainsley Harriot/Calypso twins member #2 brotherhood illustrates the mystery in all it's glory, with a soundtrack that cannot be reckoned with!

Lets celebrate and have a 'world party'! Ainsley and his bro' have been doing it since the 'days of womb'.

Sovvy Strength get Back to the Wall Live

I hope that if/when Jesus rises again he comes back with flesh tunnels, shorts and a Sovvy Strength tshirt.
I'm sure even he's a card-carrying member of the God Fearing Youth.

Altogether now... "I WILL NOT COMPROMISE..."

Dale Winton's lost pop career

If only he'd stuck to making pop songs... the charts today would be filled with Winton classics!

Dale Winton strikes again...unveiled!

Keith: Recently, I posted a picture taunting Dale Winton. Bazzle questioned the original photo, asking:

"Is Mr. Winton hoovering the floor?"

I took this upon myself to investigate. I don't appreciate what I discovered.

I sourced the picture back to the original, an article from the sun. However, the picture had been cropped!

But why!?
Not just to hide the hoover!

(This may destroy your past assumptions of Dale Winton.)

The picture reveiled Win-ton is actually something far from ordinary.

I bet you thought it was just his raw wit that dazzled.
I bet he was your idol.

But No...Dale Winton is infact, a midget below the waste.
A Half midget if you will

Now that you think back, have you ever seen his murky lower self? :O

In other news: Daleks Storm John Fashanu

Serenaded By...

Ben: We all have a place in our hearts for Les.

Keith: Agreed.

Winton strikes again

Keith: "...if only they knew."

We can see his two hands..but on closer inspection.. Where's his third?!

Ben: Is Mr. Winton hoovering the floor?

The spirit of LeRoy and Flinty lives on!

Check this guy busting out the moves in front of his sofa.
I'm sure everyone misses the classic LeRoy/Flinty Prodigy combo. Glad to see the dancing lives on though!

Rolo Tomassi - Fofteen/Nine (Live)

This band are mental. Nuff Said.

Even though she scares the crap out of me... I still have a thing for Eva Spence.

Keith: Agreed. Ever seen a a man pilled out his head, whilst busting out some sweet tap dance shapes? Regardless, you've probably never seen one that's so good at keyboard too!

I reckon the version in the cd shop/book shop/shop is a wee bit better (try and get it off youtube). Crapper quality, less room for bustin'..but if anything this improves it!

Keyboardist ADHD'd oot his tits with little room to move = class act/mega moves

Eazy-E vs. the state of 'rap' today

Ah... life was simpler back then.

I'd like to see someone like Kayne West pull off the classic gangsta rap sound 'cause we all know he couldn't.
Chris Brown might be able to though... he's already got the woman-hating side of it I guess.

Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

This song is worth a listen just for the line... "Mark Wahlberg is wearing a hat"

Getting crunk seriously damages your health

This isn't the sort of thing you'd expect to see during a Hearts-Hibs match.
This kid trys to redeem himself after falling flat on his face.

Surely that kid in the yellow is too young to be getting crunk?

Keith: "Patch that up wi' some cocaine and gee it 15 mins...it'll be right as rain."

FM - That Girl

FM's first album, "Indiscreet" is probably the best charity shop find I've had in a while. I can only describe them as Britain's answer to Night Ranger.

Suit jackets with rolled up sleeves: Check.
Perms: Check.
Geeky Keyboardist: Check. Namely, Didge Digital.

What more do you want from an 80's band?

Mario Kart Love Song

This guys obviously played way to much Mario Kart. I can't blame him... it's a classic.
I think they should have casted him as Mario in the (awful) Super Mario Brothers movie as there's a good chance he could have done a better job.
Though, to be honest, I don't think anything could have saved that movie from the big metaphorical 'bargain bin' that it end up in.

Mario Mario?? seriously... could they have not thought of a better name to give him??

John Farnham claims You're The Voice

This is argueably one of the best songs in existence.
Just check out the bagpipe solo! How many classic 80's pop songs have one of them?
Apparently (according to wikipedia) this guy turned down recording "We Built This City" later to be done by Starship. Bad mistake.

I think I've finally found Harry Shambo: The Wannabe Rambo... He seems to be playing guitar in John's backing band.

Tucker's Song

I don't really know what to say about this to be honest.
All I know is that the Lonely Island guys are weird... but clearly their mates are even weirder.

The Unstoppable

There is surely no dirtier than this?

I have an anomalous knack for changing the tenor

Genre-ise this... or just enjoy it. What more can one ask for? Shawn Lane to wear RayBans, that really is about it.


Keith: In the words of Marvin Gaye, "it's sexual healing"

Jim: I wonder if his mother knows he chored the terracotta pots from the back garden?

Keith: Shawn's accomplice on backing vocals replies "Ring na na nananana na!", translated "Tell Mama L to fuck off...we'll be over at 18.30...mcnuggets please"

Jim: Pitiable Shawn, he was heavy set from taking steroids and died from it! However, i'm not suggesting he wouldn't have been partial to some McNugget action.

Lionel Rich Tea - Dancing on the Ceiling

Wouldn't life be great if you could walk up walls and of course across ceilings just like Lionel Ritchie?
Sure would put Spiderman outta business.

Los Colorados cover Katy Perry

This is simply genius.

If anyone wondered what the outcome of Chernobyl was... this answers all your questions.

Gotta love the Ukraine.


Keith: You'll find Katy Perry actually covered this band. Hot and Cold is actually based on the autobiographical Hot and Cold: Chernobyl Fire Department by Petey Paradize. The novel accounts the tragic tale of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. Inside the song you can spot key insights into the code and personality of Petey and his fellow firefighters.

The original lyrics "PMSL, Ike's a bitch, Don't cha know!" reflected the inner struggles of Petey, and his rivals in Firefighter school.

However, the ravenous Perry visciously re-wrote the lyrics:

"You PMS, like a bitch, I would know"

Witty.

On the matter, she later stated, "The UKRAINE can suck my ever-loving jubblies"

3bar-Papist Enterprises welcomes The Scobster

We are happy to welcome Scobocop into our realm of general crappery.

Sorry for the lack of balloons.

Yip-Yip do Homecoming

If your planning on ruining a school dance... just invite these guys.


Keith: Granted! Although we had Dale Winton host ours. And he can just fuck right off! Winton used to be the man that you loved cos he was so so bad. It's funny how you can love and hate people for being terrible.

Les Dennis - Love for being terrible
Ainsley Harriot - Love for being terrible
Keith Chegwin - Love for being terrible
amongst many others

Dale is a changed man. Long are the days of supermarket sweep love. Now you can find him partying with Noel Edmonds.

I say we forgive Barrymore, and blame Winton!

Geto Boys - Damn It Feels Good to Be A Gangsta

Damn... it's does feel good to be a gangsta.

Faith No More - Glory Box (Live) [Portishead cover]

Anthrax - Gung Ho (live)

This is what every gig should be like.

Signing in to the web of deceit

Keith: I feel honoured to share this momentous occasion with whoever falls upon this page!

3bar-Paptist Enterprises is now up and running!
But what is to be expected?!?!
Sadly, not much.

However, with no expectations, I welcome all to this emporium of crappery..
A collection of music, videos, crap opinions, racism and 'badass' rap